November 2023 Recap
Currently listening: Stressed - Doechii

October came to a close with news that my manager was quitting with a one week notice. He had been with the company for over a decade and this sent the department into a panic. The first week of November flew by as I scurried to get up to speed on tasks my manager was working on. The second week was overwhelming as I became the unofficial team lead and the point of contact for all projects. I felt out of place at first, most of my coworkers are way older with years of experience in the industry. Once I got my footing, delegating tasks and keeping our projects moving came easily to me. Things have calmed down since.

Third week I was off to Seattle and Portland for the impulsive solo vacation I booked in October. My world became very small with the pandemic and it took me traveling to realize how it was impacting my mental health. I've had a very bleak outlook on things for the past two years, but traveling revitalizes me. I'm reminded that there are so many lives that can be lived. I love the person I am when I leave the comforts of home. I got to catch up with my brother, his wife and my nieces/nephews in Seattle. There was a moment at dinner when my youngest nephew was having a tantrum and I experienced my brother's wife use gentle parenting. I was bewildered when I realized it was the first time in my twenty something years of existence that I see gentle parenting done by a family member, cycles are being broken. In Portland the waterfalls were gorgeous and the food was delicious. I want to go back and try more restaurants and go hikes.

The rest of the month flew by, as I got back into the my work rhythm. November was a “me” month, while October was spent with friends/family.

October 2022 Recap
Currently listening: Little Bother - King Princess

Here's a very delayed October recap.

The month came and went too quickly for me, it mostly felt like a continuation of September. Kicked the month off with my aunt's wedding, it was the first time I saw all of my dad's side of the family in years. It was sweet seeing everyone celebrating.

I'm working on having a more consistent relationship with my half siblings. We've been spending more time together, eating, shopping, catching up on lost time. The two sisters I've been spending time with remind me of myself. I've been reflecting on what being in my late teens felt like and how much I wanted guidance. I want to be a someone they can trust and feel supported by. Same goes for my younger brother, I worry he's taking after my dad too much.

I hit a few lows this month, but not to the same degree as before. Things have been feeling more manageable since I've let myself ride the lows instead of drowning in them. October marks one year since my close friend, S, and I parted ways. We held on until everything began to crumble beyond repair. Too many misunderstandings and miscommunications, too much going in circles, not enough listening. Platonic heartbreak is just as painful as romantic heartbreak. I've been letting myself feel things out, cry things out, anything to help process my feelings instead of avoiding them. It's easier to move past the feelings when I let myself feel them fully. It took them not being in my life for me to understand how they were negatively impacting me. Things have gotten a lot better for me since, I've healed more, grown more, gotten out of my shell more, love myself more. I wish them well, I just can't allow them back into my life.

September 2022 Recap
Currently listening: Honey - Shygirl

I've been holding off on writing a journal entry, most of the things I wanted to talk about felt too heavy for a first entry. I figured I'll wait to do a recap for the month as my first post.

Things got better in September, the days stopped feeling mundane and repetitive. I got out of the liminal space I was stuck in all summer. I was beginning to feel defeated, not seeing much change in myself, but I kept reminding myself my growth would be more noticeable in social situations. I started August grappling between the desire to be more social and the lack of energy to get moving. September had cool events that persuaded me to get out and socialize.

One of my favorite bands was doing a meet and greet at a newish record store. Not sure what overcame me, but I messaged them asking if they would be interested in my rosemary cookies. I called myself a “baker” in the message, which is true, but it sounds so foreign when I self identify. I don't have formal training in baking, I'm self taught. Baking runs in my family, but only the men are taught so it wasn't passed down to me. From the stories I've heard, my grandpa's family ran the only bakery in a small town in Mexico before the town developed into the city that it is today. Imposter syndrome makes me doubt myself, but I'm getting better at feeling confident in my abilities. The meet and greet was really cool, they were sweet and excited for the cookies. I got my vinyls signed and really cool merch! (Choosing not the name the band since I'm still feeling shy about it all, but if you're curious here's a clue: Careful lesser man, your body is nothing.)

I finally got to see Lady Gaga live after 13 years of being a fan!!! I was too young to catch her during the Bad Romance and Judas eras, and too broke to see her during her later albums. I really enjoyed Chromatica and in general love the wave of futuristic space punk themes artist are exploring. Security wouldn't let me bring my choker into the venue bc of the dull, big emphasis on dull, spikes around it. I hid it in a bush close to the entrance, normally this would riddle me with anxiety. In social situations, my brain tells me all eyes are watching my every move. Before I hid my choker I looked back at the line waiting to get into the venue, from what I could see no one was looking at me. It was reassuring and felt like a reset, I proved to myself people are in their own world most of the time and not following my every move. The concert was great, aside from the terrible humidity coupled with the heat of bodies packed into a stadium.

I visited my grandma for the first time in about 3ish years(???). Not sure on the exact timing I lost track after a while. She had been heavy on my mind for months now, but I couldn't bring myself to stop by. On the hike I frequent, there's a huge Eucalyptus tree that reminds me of her. It's growing adjacent and on lower ground to the trail. The leaves drop down over the side of the trail, just out of reach but reachable with a little effort. It serves as visual reminder to visit her. I had a sweet moment sharing prickly pear, that my friend had gifted me, with her. Receiving gifts outside of holidays and birthdays is special to me. It's an act of love to gift something when there's no obligation or societal pressure to do so. I'm working on expressing the gratitude and love I feel when that happens. I left my grandma's feeling full of love and with sore cheeks from laughing/smiling with her and my aunts.

I reconnected with an old friend who had moved out of state. Moving did him well, the city was eating him alive and he seems to have found peace in a smaller rural town. He flew in the last few days of September and we spent some time together. I'm figuring out how I'm feeling about it all, as of now I'm confused and disappointed. He falls back into old habits when he's here, it's difficult to navigate and believe in the things he says on the phone about picking things back up between us. Words don't hold weight with me anymore, I need actions and his actions were a reminder of what I'm not looking for. Things are still developing, more on this in next month's recap. Aside from that things are looking great, I've got plans for every weekend of October, something I haven't had in months. Keeping a positive and open mind for what's next.